One to One Conversations
One-on-one conversations — or Individual Meetings — are the cornerstone of relational organising. They are a tool that professional organisers use to uncover and understand areas of mutual self-interest, and build public relationships. We have dozens of these meetings every week. Hundreds each year.
In our conception of it, the term "self-interest," as you may recall from our earlier lesson on Power and Self-Interest, refers to a combination of two key elements. On the one hand, it’s all the things you need for self-preservation, such as water, shelter, food, clothing, healthcare, etc.; and on the other hand, it’s all the things that give your life meaning. This can be religion or some belief system or practice. For some people, it's karate club, for others, it's art classes, or a football team. A good one to one always features the act of sharing foundational stories about things that we saw, or experienced, when growing up that help us to understand our individual self interest. What makes you, you.
Unlike informal chats or interviews, one-to-one dialogues are time bound: they are forty-five minute-long conversations designed to delve deep into the life, motivations, and values of two individuals so they can find common ground. They are strategic, yet deeply personal interactions. The primary goal of the individual meeting is for two people to meet, talk, and decide if they want to continue the conversation. By establishing a connection based on empathy and mutual trust, power can start to grow. This isn’t about selling an idea or persuading someone to your viewpoint, but about understanding another individual's perspective, experiences, and what drives them. Therefore, during the conversation, you should focus on active listening. This involves not just hearing the words but understanding the emotions and motivations behind them. Your role here is more of a listener than a talker – searching for mutual self interests, encouraging openness and trust.
Techniques and Strategies
To explain how community organising really works, Saul Alinsky used to use a metaphor about a mayor sat at his desk. In Alinsky's metaphor, the mayor sits at a desk bristling with buttons. Each button is connected to a different part of the community – there's one for the church, one for businesses, one for schools, and so on. When the mayor pushes a button, a bell rings in the corresponding sector, signalling that it's time for them to respond or act in a way that aligns with the mayor's wishes or directives. This scenario paints a vivid picture of centralised power and control. The mayor, in this case, is a stand-in for any central authority or influential figure who holds sway over various community segments. The wired buttons and the resultant ringing of bells symbolise the direct, almost mechanical influence that this central figure can exert over different community aspects.
But Alinsky's metaphor isn't just a depiction of power; it's a call to action for community organisers. It suggests that power, in many cases, is about controlling the narrative or the flow of resources and information. The mayor's ability to make different parts of the community jump with the simple push of a button underscores how reactive and vulnerable these sectors can be to external control. The critical lesson for organisers is about recognising these power dynamics and finding ways to disrupt them. Instead of allowing the community to be at the mercy of the mayor's whims – responding every time a bell rings – Alinsky would argue for going under the desk, cutting the wires and attaching them to our own buttons. This act represents a strategic intervention that disables the central figure's ability to control and manipulate while reversing the power differential between those who are governed, and those who govern.
Going under the desk symbolises the need for organisers to delve into the underpinnings of power structures. The leaders in the community with buttons attached to them are the people you need to have your one to ones with. These are the people you need to build relationships with. This is all about being guided by power analysis: in other words, a deep understanding of the mechanics of how decisions are made, how influence is exerted, and how various community sectors are controlled. This isn't a frontal assault on power but a more subtle, clever approach to dismantling or neutralising it. By 'going under the desk,' the organiser is taking action to disconnect the wires – the lines of influence and control that the mayor (or any person in power) uses. This means developing strategies to weaken the hold that central figures have over various community groups. It involves creating independent networks, fostering direct communication among community members, and building local organisations that operate outside the traditional spheres of influence. This approach underscores the importance of tactical thinking in community organising. It's not enough to rally against a central figure of power; effective organising requires engaging in the very systems that give them this power.
Building Relationships and Moving Forward
Establish a local relational meeting culture
If you're aiming to be an organiser, it's essential to get into the habit of conducting one-to-one meetings on a regular basis. Professional organisers often engage in 25 to 40 such meetings per week. You might only be able to manage 5, but that's still significant. Do what you can within your capacity. The important point is to establish a local meeting culture centred around one to one relational meetings, as they are foundational to building the strong, personal connections within a community or organisation that are needed for relational power to grow. Ultimately, effective one-on-one conversations require a blend of skills and techniques. In a one to one you should spend about two-thirds of the time listening. This doesn’t mean passive listening; rather, it’s about being fully engaged and responsive to what the other person is saying. Use affirming gestures and responses to show that you’re actively involved in the conversation. The questions you ask should be open-ended and probing, designed to encourage the person to reflect and share more about their beliefs and experiences. The aim is to gradually peel back layers to reveal the person’s self-interest, core values, and motivations.
A relationship should always come before a task
In relational organising, we say that a relationship should always come before a task. Before you ask someone to do something for you, you need to get to know that person and understand the stories that shape and drive them. Therefore, the end goal of a one-on-one conversation is always to build a public relationship that lays the groundwork for future collective action. The conversation should conclude with a sense of mutual understanding and respect. It’s not necessarily about agreement but about acknowledging and valuing diverse perspectives.
Discuss potential next steps
This could involve another meeting, an introduction to your network, or involvement in a specific community action. It's important to leave the door open for future interactions and collaborations. After the meeting, reflect on the conversation. Analyse what you learned about the person’s motivations and how they might contribute to your organising efforts. This will help in strategising future engagements and in understanding how to best involve them in your cause.
Forging connections between leaders
At the beginning of an organising campaign, all you have are relationships. What you need to ask yourself at this stage is whether it's feasible for you to build relationships with all the important people in this place. Remember that leaders seek relationships with other leaders. Institutional leaders are eager for contacts and bonds of trust with leaders of civic institutions or communities, but often they don't know how to reach out and build these relationships. Thus, one task for an organiser is to think about forging connections between leaders of different institutions and neighbourhoods. Establishing relational meetings like this is a way of reweaving the tapestry of local life. It's a method for local leaders to use to work together by understanding their deep collective self-interests and how it relates to their own unique context.
Building trust and understanding
In the realm of community organising, the significance of one-to-one relational meetings cannot be overstated. These meetings are not just conversations; they are the conduits through which the deep, personal stories that shape individuals' beliefs and motivations come to light. Unlike interviews or casual discussions, these interactions are purposeful endeavours aimed at building trust and understanding. The preparation for a one-to-one relational meeting is as much about mental readiness as it is about practical arrangements. It involves setting clear objectives, not for information gathering, but for relationship building. The organiser must approach the meeting with a mindset of empathetic engagement, ready to fully immerse in the experience and listen with intent. During the meeting, the primary skill to employ is deep listening. This means engaging actively, focusing not just on the words spoken, but also on the emotions and underlying narratives. Reflecting back what is heard demonstrates understanding and validation, creating a space where the individual feels seen and heard.
Personal Narratives
Encouraging storytelling is a crucial aspect of these meetings. Most one to ones start with the organiser strategically sharing some of their story in the hope that the other person reciprocates and starts to share their story back. Personal narratives offer insights into an individual's experiences, values, and motivations. As stories are shared, the organiser should be willing to keep sharing relevant personal experiences. This mutual exchange of stories deepens the connection, making it a bi-directional process and far more than a mere transactional interaction. Probing, though necessary, must be done thoughtfully and sensitively. Asking open-ended questions can encourage deeper reflection and sharing, but it's important to be mindful of the individual’s comfort level and respect their boundaries. After the meeting, reflection is key. After the meeting is an opportunity to ponder over the insights gained and plan for future interactions. This continuous engagement is what strengthens the relationship over time.
Navigating difficult conversations during these meetings is inevitable. Approaching sensitive topics with empathy and maintaining a balance in the conversation ensures that both parties feel respected and valued. One-to-one relational meetings are more than just a tool; they are the essence of community building. Through empathetic listening, sharing of stories, and thoughtful engagement, these meetings lay the groundwork for trust, mutual understanding, and collective action within the community. They remind us that at the heart of all organising efforts are the individual stories and experiences that, when woven together, create the fabric of a strong and cohesive community.
Conclusion
In sum, creating a successful one-to-one relational meeting involves deep listening, probing with open-ended questions, and fostering a genuine connection through shared stories. Here's a how-to guide for conducting these meaningful interactions, which typically last from forty-five minutes to an hour.
Timing and Setting: Arrange the meeting to last between forty-five minutes to an hour. This duration is optimal for in-depth conversation without causing fatigue. Choose a comfortable, private setting that encourages openness and trust.
The Initial Phase: In the first part of the meeting, which usually takes about 25 minutes, encourage the other person to talk about themselves. Most people naturally open up about their lives, beliefs, and experiences during this time. Your role here is to listen actively, showing genuine interest in what they share.
Deepening the Conversation: After the initial phase, when the other person has comfortably shared their surface-level thoughts and experiences, start probing deeper. Use open-ended questions to encourage them to elaborate. Questions like "What drives you in this area?" or "Why do you feel strongly about this issue?" can elicit more profound insights.
Exploring Stories: Ask them to share stories behind their thoughts and beliefs. Questions like "Is there a story that led you to this belief?" or "How did your experiences shape this opinion?" can reveal deeper motivations and values. These stories are the windows into understanding their perspective and the 'why' behind their thoughts.
Finding Mutual Interests: As they share, listen for any mutual interests or experiences that emerge. Relating to these points can strengthen the connection. However, remember the focus is on them, so share your stories sparingly and only when it enhances the understanding or deepens the connection.
Avoid Note-Taking: Unlike an interview, the goal here is to build a relationship, not gather data. Taking notes can be distracting and may make the other person feel like they are being analyzed. Instead, focus on being present in the conversation, listening attentively, and remembering key points mentally.
Building the Relationship: Share your stories when relevant, especially if they resonate with the other person’s experiences. This mutual sharing helps to build a relational bridge, showing that you are not just a listener but someone who empathizes and understands.
Understanding Their Point of View: The ultimate goal of these meetings is to understand the other person's point of view and the reasoning behind it. As you listen to their stories and responses, you get insights into their worldview, which is essential for building a strong, empathetic relationship.
Concluding the Meeting: End the meeting on a positive note. Express your appreciation for their time and the stories they shared. A genuine thank you can reinforce the sense of connection and respect.
In conclusion, one-to-one relational meetings are about creating a space for individuals to be heard and understood. Through active listening, empathetic engagement, and thoughtful probing, these meetings can forge strong relationships that form the foundation of effective community organising and personal connections. One-on-one conversations are a powerful tool in community organising. They are about listening, understanding, and connecting on a personal level, laying the foundation for strong relationships and collaborative efforts in the community. With the right approach, these conversations can be transformative, both for the organiser and the person they engage with.